Colourless
by bjascrubs
Summary: Hotch's reflective thought process on Jack's bday about his situation and the Reaper. "Maybe that's why he'd fallen so hard. He could feel his pride was crumbling under his polished shoes." Part of a fic trade. Please read and review.


**So this is my first ever attempt at Criminal Minds fanfiction (brilliant show by the way). I wrote this as part of a fictrade with Airhead259 and TheForsakenShadow. This is Hotch's reflective thought process during/after the episode "Recknor"(season 5, episode 3)**

**I hope you like it and a review would be nice :3..**

"_Happy Birthday Buddy."_

Aaron Hotchner. Supervisory special agent, Aaron Hotchner. The man who was always in a formal suit, his tie always pulled up to as high as it could go. That man who chose his career in the Behavioural Analysis Unit over time spent with his recently annulled ex-wife, Haley and his son Jack. The man who appeared to spent nights working in his office.

People were intimidated by his presence. It was not just the unknown subjects that the BAU created profiles for and put behind bars who were flabbergasted by him. The list of people he intimated also included his colleagues and the officers he worked with for cases in different counties. Who could blame them? He just had that effect on anyone he communicated with.

Maybe that's why he'd fallen so hard. He could feel his pride was crumbling under his polished shoes. He found himself unable to control the circumstances of his latest encounter with 'the Reaper' aka George Foyet. Their latest encounter occurred when Foyet broke into Hotch's apartment awaiting his return from Canada. After which he took his vengeance on Hotchner for his decision to reject Foyet's 'offer'. It is said revenge is always bitter and this assault left the agent in a state of both mental and physical agony.

Hotch suddenly found himself unable to pull himself out of this state of pain. Happiness seemed to be forgotten. Rage took over him as he took callas decisions and snapped at his teammates. It was as though someone had inserted a cold ghostly hand into his chest, which was passing through his skin slowly absorbing any minuscule piece of happiness away. He just couldn't return to his previous state of mind.

There was also Erin Strauss, his higher-up. She had refused to let the BAU run without questioning alternate cases for a while now. However, since Foyet attacked him, it was much worse. He was now questioned about every case his team under-took. His capabilities as chief were questioned too. He knew that it was not long before the bureau would give in to Staruss' opinion and have him sacked. To top it all of - the cherry on top of the pitiful sundae of his life was the fact that he had no idea where his little boy Jack was.

It was Jack's birthday today, his little boy was four years old now. Time was running, uncontrolled, like another unsub challenging him. Yet, here he sat on the day of Jack's fourth birthday on his chair, in his office, wishing he was with his little boy. Wishing he could adorn him with gifts and cake and have confetti rain over him as he celebrated his birthday. But he couldn't. He didn't even know where Jack was. 'The reaper' was after his family now and for their own protection they had been taken into protective custody; Thus separating them further from him. The distance between them was even greater than what it had been over the last three years.

As he sat in his office reflecting his thoughts and considering his situation he experienced a flashback. He remembered his painful childhood, his calmer youth. He remembered his days in Seattle and his marriage to Haley. He relived his happiest memories with Haley and Jack. He remembered the pride he felt after catching every criminal. He visualized the smiles he brought to the faces of victims and their families. He remembered the divorce and thought coldly of how he would go home to an empty apartment. He deemed his life at present, _colourless_.

He continued to ponder until his heart ached and he wondered to himself out loud, "Was any of this worth it, after all?"

Should he have taken up Foyet's offer and prevented all the murders that took place due to his decision? Maybe he was being too arrogant when he rejected the Reaper's proposal. He could have saved everyone a world of stress. Haley and Jack could be roaming freely. If anything were to happen to either of them he would never forgive himself.

His thought process was interrupted by a polite knock on his door. The person on the other end entered the office looking worriedly at her boss who hadn't noticed her presence.

"Sir I think you should go home," whispered technical analyst Penelope Garcia making Hotch feel a surge of guilt for concerning her.

However, he couldn't reply to her and tell her that he felt too weak to go home. He pretended not to hear her so he wouldn't have to explain himself to her. He waited for his worried colleague to leave before taking in a deep sigh. He hoped that this would end soon and his family would survive this. Sadly, he highly doubted this was possible.

**And then episode "100" happens so I guess a happy ending wasn't meant to be. A review would be helpful.  
Thanks for reading.^^**


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